The following is a piece of satire.  You guys remember satire, right?

Up late tonight, watching basic cable, which has more or less relegated me to The Steve Wilkos Show (bad, but fascinating… Shocklines of television talk shows), then Conan O’Brien (always pleasant, even when the abysmally bad 50 Cent is a guest), then Carson Daly.  This is what I’m watching now.  Carson Daly.  Carson… fucking… Daly.

Like a possum drunk on shooters, caught in the headlights of the Party-Bus.

I believe Daly may need to be euthanized.  I’m not advocating the assassination of any public figure here.  I’m just suggesting that you call your governor.  Write a letter to your local congressman.  I am suggesting that, together, we may have the collective strength to get this on the ballot.  Proposition 1:30 AM.

A rough draft, if you please:

The following proposal would lift the ban on human euthanasia in the singular case of Mr. Carson Daly.  The proposal would furthermore make human euthanasia compulsory in the singular case of Mr. Carson Daly.  If this proposal is passed into federal law, Mr. Carson Daly will be humanely euthanized via information overload.  This process will be accomplished by repeatedly speaking out loud words with more than two syllables within earshot of Mr. Carson Daly.  It is estimated that Mr. Carson Daly’s cognitive functions would seize up and shut down within twenty-three minutes.

If you vote YES on this initiative, you are proposing that Mr. Carson Daly be euthanized.

If you vote NO on this initiative, you have clearly never heard his… opening monologue… urp… and your vote will not be counted.

HYPNO-TOOL!

What do you think, intarwebz?  Had enough supposedly funny “Dude, they got $3.50 Jello-shots tonight at Soupy’s, bra!” witticism?  Tired of sitting through the ever-charming Conan just to have Daly’s smug brosef face leering at you and joking, “Hurr, durr, I don’t read books, I pay someone else to read for me,”?  Are you sick of being so depressed after Daly’s pathetic attempts at interview etiquette that you actually watch Poker After Dark due to some sort of Daly-induced catatonia?

Yes we can, intarwebz.  Yes we can.  Yes we can.